Being a loving Dominant Dom is something you master over time, after much practice, creativity, and self-development. This article will help guide you on your path by defining the role, as well as giving tips and examples of how to work with your sub. These three pairings capture pretty much all dynamics in kink play.
Some love to be assertive and controlling, whereas another loves to be led and enjoyed. The leading assertive force would be the Dom, while the yielding, receiving force would be the sub.
In different ways, each person is serving the other, and each person has a different type of control. In fact, you could even argue that, in many ways, the sub has more control than the Dom. Sure, some people want to be a Dominant in BDSM because of their unfaced or unintegrated shadow sides, and end up crossing lines. But people do that in literally everything. Like anything, the health, enjoyment and healing potential of BDSM depends on the intentions and personalities of the participants.
You not only get to express yourself, but also provide amazing experiences for your sub. BDSM can help you unlock parts of yourself that you might not be able to through any other means.
The real meaning behind service and serving as a submissive
You should never feel ashamed for wanting to explore it. Once you start demolishing the walls of societal sexual taboos in your mind, you will feel liberation and euphoria like never before. Dominance itself means taking initiative, or control, and leading the way. It is asserting your will and being comfortable putting your needs and preferences ahead of other peoples. To proactively enquire about and meet the needs of others is also considered dominant leadership. In BDSM, Dominants exercise control over their subs by giving orders, implementing rules and structures, enforcing punishments, distributing rewards, and generally commanding the flow of the energy.
They are benevolent kings acting in service from trusting consent. They listen to their sub, receive feedback, and ensure their emotional safety. The Dom accepts their role as an active director within the mutual parameters set in the background.
A loving Dom is not a ruthless tyrant, but instead an acutely sensitive, big-hearted, confident, communicative lover. You should want to serve your sub just as much as they serve you.
Of course, it will be in different ways. They regard their power as an honour and privilege.
If you show weak leadership, the sub will act out or lose interest. You will be tested regularly. To wield your power wisely, and be an even better Dominant, you need to dive deep into your darker side and excavate any selfish hunger for power and control you might have buried within. This will prevent you from crossing lines and pursuing BDSM from an unhealthy place.
When consciously explored and properly integrated, you reduce risks and harness even more healthy power to more confidently inhabit your role. Some subs may want bruises, blood, or tears, while that might make you deeply uncomfortable. Be very cautious and selective with your subs. There are many people engaging in BDSM play who are not emotionally and mentally fit for it. Yes, the same goes for regular, vanilla relationships. Take time to get to know them. If they prove to be emotionally unstable, unclear on their boundaries, or unable to communicate, look for another partner.
These are lessons you will learn hopefully quickly through experience. This helps you in multiple ways. You will also more skillfully serve your sub and walk the edge of their comfort zone. Above all, these conversations benefit your mutual trust and safety. On the surface, it looks like the sub is serving the Dom in the dynamic.
But really, the Dom is also serving the sub. This role is an honour and act of service. You are being given the privilege of taking someone to the edges of their sexual boundaries and allowing them to feel peak amounts of pleasure.
Seek to right wrongs when they arise, and repair any missteps with your sub. Exploring this dynamic is all about taking calculated risks and experimenting.
Because of how sensitive power and sex can be, there will likely be some uncomfortable moments. Good Dominants powerfully own and accept responsibility. Always ultimately nurture them and make them feel loved and safe.
Be patient with them, and also persistent in firmly but lovingly communicating the rules and enforcing punishments. It takes time to build trust and familiarity.
This can apply to anything from your daily communication to running the household, going on dates, restaurant experiences, etc. Make no mistake, this takes a lot of energy to keep up. But you can also claim them in other ways, with either a ring, necklace, bracelet, tattoo, etc.
It could be best saved for being around the house, on dates, or at play parties. Choose a less conspicuous option if you want them to wear your mark at all times. Have your sub call you by a chosen name. Have them address you by this title and refuse to respond unless they use it.
As a Dominant, you will need to set rules and expectations, as well as rewards and punishments. This program will be a combination of your personal preferences and what you learn about your sub through observation and communication over time. Be very clear with your sub as to what you expect from them, whether it be sexually or otherwise. Set daily or weekly tasks, or standards for behaviour. How well they can serve you as a submissive is directly dependent on how clearly and firmly you can communicate your will as their Dominant.
There is a wide array of punishment styles you can choose from.
Want to encourage even more depth in your relationship?
The more common and comfortable punishments are less about humiliation and more about sexual control. Remember, this should mostly be about fun and play. Some people tend to focus too heavily on rules and punishments, and not enough on rewards and playfulness.
Ensure the nature of the program you develop is something both you and your sub want to happily engage in. Examples of things you can have your sub do sexually:. Examples of things you can have your sub do in your relationship:. One sub might consider spanks or bondage extremely pleasurable, which effectively makes it a reward rather than a punishment.
Tailor your program to suit your sub. Make a consistent effort to be bold and in control.
If you ever need support, connect with other people in the BDSM community through local meet-ups, or respected online forums. This allows you to get support and ideas from outside the relationship with your sub, while maintaining a Dominant dynamic. Jun 7, First, what is BDSM? Is being a Dominant healthy?
Examine your motives To wield your power wisely, and be an even better Dominant, you need to dive deep into your darker side and excavate any selfish hunger for power and control you might have buried within. Select your subs wisely Be very cautious and selective with your subs.
Be bold, be loving, and have fun!