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Overall, I do not feel at peace when I am with him, aside from vulnerable times in my life because he is reliable in that way. While I recognize his good qualities and I am grateful for the positives, while sharing that appreciation with him, I still feel he is not a good match for a lifetime.
We clash so much, yet do well as companions, in short spurts of time with one another and as team mates around the house. For anything closer than that, we do not have it. I know he is better in ways than other relationships, and I ago outgrew co-dependency.
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Now, I wonder if I have gone the other extreme being too independent, yet realize that my second-guessing my feelings isn't likely helping me either. It is his good qualities reliability, loyal, committed, affectionate, seems to me to his best ability, and a good provider that keep me coming back and his nature to be pessimistic, antagonistic, somewhat controlling, closed off, and generally difficult and hard to talk to that has me concerned of lifetime.
On the other hand, some have mentioned that so and so's marriage has their arguments and disagreements. That I realize happens sometimes, but I do not feel a relationship should mean that I do not look forward to being with someone until well after a week or two has passed and I companionship.
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To me, marriage is more than companionship and more than rainbows and butterflies all the time too. I feel that I should feel more at peace and excited about the relationship.
I second guess myself because of what good I have in him that I did not ly experience and I sometimes wonder if I am just being fearful because of my own parents getting divorced and other relationships that I have witnessed. Not so much fear, as I feel it is better to make a wise decision now, then to feel much worse later down the road- for both our sake.
Anyhow, it seems I could right novels more on this topic. Any one out there understand how I feel here?
You can't him but he's the guy standing behind the two guys fucking on the cover. I realize I am constantly butchering the English language with my 6th grade spelling skills but the guy's porn name really is "- Bandana", LOL.